Toews, Catherine

Learning to Swim
by Catherine Toews

Grade 3
Prompt Code: N3A
IST: Christine Stewart
Evaluator: Melissa
(read the Evaluator's Comment and Connections)

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            I found out learning how to swim takes hard work and practice. I started level one when I was only four. I was a little afraid of the water, but my teacher soon made me fearless of the water. We played games like Mr. Alligator, Pick Up Rings, Superman Glide, Bunny Hop, and Choo-Choo Train. We also learned basic skills like kicking, floating, and breathing. These things helped me gain confidence in my ability to handle water, so I passed.
            The following year, when I was put in level two, I was able to do the floats, but I was not able to do the front crawl and the back crawl well enough to pass. I had another whole year to practice and gain confidence in myself. When we went to hotels, my father took me to the pools. I also practiced on the bed and on the floor at home.
            The next year I was back in level two swim lessons. I knew I could pass because I had practiced, gained confidence, and improved. On the last day of swim lessons, I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I just thought of what I had to do and did it. I swam wonderfully. I was the only one who passed.
            Now because I have improved so much and swim so fast, people call me a fish!

Writing Program Evaluator Melissa comments:

In this excellent personal narrative, Catherine uses clear, well-structured prose to describe and reflect on her experience learning to swim. Her opening sentence, “I found out learning how to swim takes hard work and practice,” functions as a purpose statement, expressing the main point of the entire piece. Her earnest and detailed description of her hard work not only convinces the reader that this observation about learning to swim is true; it also shows that Catherine has a positive attitude and a good work ethic. These traits are most obvious when, after her first unsuccessful attempt at level two swimming, she does not complain but reflects, “I had another whole year to practice and gain confidence in myself.” Throughout the paper, Catherine shifts smoothly back and forth between stating her feelings (“I was a little afraid”) and describing her activities (“We played games like Mr. Alligator”). She uses an excellent, simple organizational strategy, devoting one paragraph to each year of her swimming lessons, and she even includes varied transition phrases such as “the following year” to let the reader know when she is moving on to a new time or place. At the end, she takes the time to make her narrative feel complete. Her humorous, one-sentence conclusion gives the reader a chance to enjoy her success along with her.

Connections:

*Writing about learning to do something new or overcoming a problem or difficulty is a great way to practice writing thoughtful and reflective stories ("reflective-narratives"). To see how another third grader wrote about overcoming a problem, read "My Big Problem" by Austin Sachs in Hand in Hand, the 2004-2005 Gorman Anthology.

*Look closely at the way Catherine organizes her essay. How does she know when to begin each new paragraph? Can you use a similar idea in organizing your paragraphs in a reflective-narrative?

*Usually, paragraphs should have at least three to five sentences. However, Catherine has written a great ending by only using one sentence in the concluding paragraph. Why do you think this paragraph works with only one sentence? (Hint: Is it a fun and original sentence? What makes it so?)